


These Chains That Never Leave

by MissytheAngle



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Corruption, Gen, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Internal Conflict, Not really but this is just to be safe, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-07
Updated: 2018-06-07
Packaged: 2019-05-19 10:28:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14872029
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissytheAngle/pseuds/MissytheAngle
Summary: Jasper wakes up in a bright room of pink.





	These Chains That Never Leave

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GoldenCrusader](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoldenCrusader/gifts).



> A request from the user GoldenCrusader! The request was rather long but it was essentially Jasper being healed of corruption and running off... somewhere. You'll find out in the story!
> 
> There are like fifty-thousand things I want to address here:
> 
> 1) I made this wayyyy before "A Single Pale Rose." Though I had finished it a while ago, I did not get back to the user who requested it until recently. As such, this will not be canon with that. Which is why I put it as canon divergent, just in case. I added in one thing or two to better fit with what we learned, but otherwise, I changed nothing in response to that episode.  
> 2) I haven't really written anything this heavy before. I think it requires a T-rating, but nothing too bad happens. It's just to be safe. It's VERY experimental, so I don't expect it to be that great. Still, if you enjoy it, that's wonderful, but as I said, this is incredibly new territory to me, stuff that's this rough and angsty as it is. That said, I put in quite a few intense tags to make sure I have everything mentioned for anyone sensitive to this stuff. If I missed anything, please let me know!

The cycle spun onward.

Everything was blurred, messy, and surreal. Her consciousness faded in and out, yet she still existed. Here, in the moment she could never grasp. A sharp ringing crescendo in her ears. Time meant nothing, as she wandered through what felt like nothing for what felt like an eternity.

Then the warmth.

First a light, bright and soft, like a blanket thrown over her. A wave of comfort washed through her. And with it came a voice, calling to her, calling out her name, yet the wavering voice vanished into a void. The warmth and kindness that flowed from the voice followed after, leaving her in the dark abyss. She was cold and alone once more.

Deep in the recesses of her mind, when for one brief moment, she could hold onto memories, she could recall seeing Rose Quartz... except it wasn't really her, even though it was. Or was it? Instead of feeling pure rage and hatred boiling within her, she wasn't sure how to feel. She saw this  _ thing _ in her head, reaching out for her, but then it was gone and she was cold again so maybe she was just losing the leftovers of her mind.

The more she tried to think, to keep these visions in her head, to fight back against that ringing, the less she remembered.

Something would crawl into her head, tendrils constricting in her mind, concealing memories with a fuzziness, and she couldn't  _ see _ . Chains once again bounded her, except no gems held her down. It was only her, and she was losing.

The cycle spun onward... until it didn't.

That light appeared again, but then it grew bright...  **too** bright. Her eyes seared, and the pain spread through her body, as if a slow burn stroked her skin. Yet the pain was not unfamiliar, and it didn't hurt as much as it wanted to.

It faded as quickly as it arrived. The continuous ringing in her ears waned into a small noise perched in the back of her head, until it became nothing. The quiet in the aftermath somehow felt just as aggressive. She squinted against the sting of the light.

She blinked, and the light calmed, softening to an acceptable point. Through blurred vision, she looked down from her crouched position. Her fingers curled into whatever material her hands dug into.

_ Hands... _

Her vision was messy, at best, but by the stars, they were hands. She clenched her fingers into a fist, tense, her knuckles cracking. The feeling send a jolt through her arm, and she flinched.

Her thoughts halted. With a pervading sense that someone else was in the room, she glanced in front of her. Her eyes grew, a rise crawling up her spine. A small form stood before her, just a mere blur of colors. She shook her head violently and buried her face into the ground.

A voice whispered, but it thundered in her eardrums. Opening her eyes again, she picked her head back up. Her vision cleared, if only but a little, giving her a better image of the small thing in front of her.

As soon as she recognized the figure standing before her, something inside Jasper's body tightened.

Rose Quartz's eyes grew small, her face warm with fresh tears. She struggled for breath. Small, brown haired Rose stared at Jasper for the longest time, with constant shifts of emotions crossing her younger looking, soft features. "J-Jasper?"

Arms thrown outward, Jasper lunged for Rose Quartz, who made a terrified noise and jumped back. She just barely escaped Jasper's grasp.

Jasper landed on the soft, peculiar material of the ground, and something about the fall brought about a wave of exhaustion through her body. Her muscles ached, and she clutched her head. Rose Quartz was right there! She was, right? This had to be her, despite her newfound doubts plaguing her head. Would all of that hunting have meant nothing now? She just... it couldn't have.

She inspected the unfamiliar ground. Not ground, not sand. She glared down at the white, soft surface.

Jasper's head shot up again, and she observed their surrounding area. There was pink, so much pink and white. Her eyes sharpened on Rose Quartz. Someone growled, and the small being stepped back. Jasper recoiled, realizing she was the source of the noise.

"Can you... can you talk?" she asked, looking so uncertain and concerned.

Jasper opened her mouth, perhaps just as unsure as Rose Quartz. "Wh-wh-where... am I?" Her voice cracked, and her throat was in flames. It hurt to speak.

Rose Quartz blinked, shaking her head. She wiped her head, but a few leftover tears overwhelmed her cheeks. "I-in my mom's room. Can you, uh, get up? Can you move?"

Jasper considered throwing out a snappish remark about Rose Quartz thinking she could tell her what to do, but decided to remain silent for her own voice's sake. Besides, having control of her body again felt like coming out of the wall all over again, except she was more tired, delusional, and lost.

Despite shaky legs, she rose. Her legs weighed like lead, and she collapsed onto her knees within seconds. Pain struck like electricity down her legs.

Then she saw it, now that her vision had cleared and she finally actually  _ looked _ .

Green-ish scars marred her body, as well as a few protruding spikes—on her arms, her shoulder, and one on her legs. And she now realized that her fingers were replaced with sharp, thick claws.

She glared at Rose Quartz, who noticed Jasper's revelation and explained, "It worked better this time, but... I still couldn't heal you completely, I guess." She glanced directly at Jasper, grief aging her astoundingly young face. "I'm sorry."

Rose Quartz stared at Jasper for an extended period, and her face crumbled. More tears flowed, and she let out a long breath of air. "Jasper, I want to help you." She offered her hand, stepping forward.

Jasper grit her teeth as she thought of a retort. Her mouth opened, but she stopped when a staggering amount of pain assaulted her.

Waves of memories crashed over Jasper like a tsunami of thorns. They flashed in her mind, bright and harsh. She doubled over, breathing raggedly from the memories of a crashing ship, the drowning and the chains, that feeling of something crawling up her body, creeping into her mind.

"Are you okay?!"

Jasper inched away from Rose Quartz. "Don't come near me," she threatened in a low growl.

Rose Quartz nonetheless advanced slowly. "Please, I—"

"Stay. Away. I don't want any of your help. Whether you really are Rose Quartz or not."

"I-I know it's hard, but you have to let me at least try!" Rose Quartz—because, really, what else could Jasper call her at this point?—begged in a stronger voice still strained with something akin to desperation.

Rose Quartz approached, hands out, but her eyes were still wide, hesitant and terrified. Jasper expected nothing less. With the best force she could muster, she pushed Rose Quartz to the side, out of her path.

"Bw—hey!" Rose Quartz cried out on the ground.

Jasper was already running, so if Rose had anything else to say, she failed to hear it. She raced through the room on all fours, not bothering a weak attempt to rise to just two feet, knowing she'd fall. This room unsettled her, and she wanted out.

A door out of the room welcomed her. When she approached it, she leaned against the doorway, her body's energy draining. Her eyes grazed over the room she arrived in.

The building was silent and empty. The Crystal Gems were not around, someplace else where they could not stop her. Her eyes found a warp pad just a few feet in front of her, and she stepped onto it, fighting to stand on trembling knees.

Barely out of hearing range, the voice of Rose Quartz yelled somewhere behind her. "Stop! Wait! Please, we need to talk ab—"

Eyes shutting, Jasper did not see but heard the warp pad lights interrupt the small being as it sent her through thin air. Her head spun for only a split second, but it was painful. She hadn't the faintest where she was going, nor did she bother to care—as long as it was far away from the Crystal Gems and their base.

Once she landed and the light dimmed, she tilted forward, clutching her head to regain focus. Jasper observed her new surroundings.

It was unfamiliar territory. Towering mountains reached high on either side of her. Earth, being as vast as it was, had many strange places she had yet to trek. Mostly because she hated every minute walking this planet and its dirt.

She did not have to walk for long, as she found some sort of structure not long after dragging her feet, and was surrounded by greenery. A star shaped entrance had its mouth open to her.

Alarms rang in her head, telling her to step back and warp elsewhere. It shouldn't have been a surprise that the Crystal Gems carved that star symbol in everything they touched.

Yet something tempted her, in the back on her conscious. She would not let fear control her.

She stepped inside and walked down a stair. She froze, eyes widening. Stepping back, she looked up at the pool in the center of the large mountain.

Resting a pedestal and watching over the fountain, a statue was etched into the shape of a familiar figure. The same figure sat at the borders of the star shaped pool, hands in their laps.

Jasper walked down the steps and toward the fountain, eyes gazing down into the pool.

She had no clue where she was, but she had a faint idea.

Rumors among Homeworld gems were murmured about special places Rose Quartz found on Earth and made as her own. Rumors also whispered about Rose's strange, magical properties. Her tears could perform miracles and cleaned gems of their wounds, their bruises, even their cracks that crept onto their gemstones. As if they never had them.

Those rumors spoke of her fountain, how it contained an endless amount of her tears. One could dive in, consumed by cool waters, and come out feeling as if they could take down an entire army. These rumors spread, and were only such, as Homeworld never found such a place.

Until now. Something about this water did not compare to common water. Jasper's hands clasped the rims of the fountain, and she leaned in closer toward the water. She glanced up for a better glimpse at the statue watching over her with shut eyes.

Rose Quartz's grandest statue had her arms spread out, with a strange air of warmth and kindness.

Something twisted in her body, and she shook it off. She glanced at her arms, the patches and spikes that contrasted with her own skin. Her eyebrows narrowed, gaze shifting between her arms and the flowing fountain. The water was still, a soft, delicate color.

It called to her. The calm water called to her.

A voice in her head commanded her, yelling at her to not do it. Her fingers cracked into tight fists.

She dove into the water.

The water was deeper than anticipated, but she did not have to swim long to reach the bottom. Her fingers brushed against surface, and she sat down.

Part of Jasper screamed that this was wrong! While she was just using the enemy's own property to her advantage, this somehow felt  _ wrong _ . Lowering herself to their own ways in which they allowed the more defective, weak gems to keep fighting until they were at last shattered in battle.

Yet the water had called, and she did not hesitate. There was this ominous calm in which she found sitting even at the very depths of the ocean almost meditative. She would dive into the water, hoping the crashing waves would drown out how badly her body screamed at her, like it was trying to scold her. This would not have been the first time, and something told her it wouldn't be the last.

Deep down, she knew this was connected to Malachite. How she was trapped in the deep mouth of earth's ocean for months and months before rising from the sea once Malachite's existence ceased.

A sliver sliced through her head. She clutched her head, bubbles violently rising with her abrupt movement. When she pulled her arm back, she looked down at the marks again, the teal marks. Jasper could almost imagine being part of her again, and her fists tightened as the memories rolled through her head.

Why didn't Lapis Lazuli understand? The power that came with Malachite was a buzz that vibrated through her body. When Lazuli was not in total control, for a few beautiful moments, electricity had sparked and all their power had combined came to Jasper at her fingertips. It had provided her control of a body that could create thunderous footsteps and fight off a towering fusion. Each punch, each kick had blessed her with bursts of adrenaline that she never wanted to lose, so Malachite had kept fighting. Jasper had given her that will.

Malachite's head had been a cacophony of thoughts, two clashing voices pushing against one another. And she would face it all over again.

It had been a rush that filled Jasper's head and nearly made her dizzy, but she kept going, kept fighting for to feel that feeling again, that wonderful feeling of control and power. sHe wanted to stay like that forever. Why did Lapis Lazuli want none of it, and why did she and the Crystal Gems take that away from her?

When she wasn't in control of that power, however, hell was her landscape.

Jasper had fought, fought like the Jasper that she was, to escape the water that was thick in her mouth. Drowning in Malachite, overwhelmed by Lapis Lazuli's control and power, gave her something to fight, a reason to push and punch. She'd pull and throw taunts and screams—oh, the screaming. It lasted for months, yet the fighting gave her something to do, to test herself.

When she had been pulled deeper and deeper away from the control she desired, it was only a reminder that it wasn't enough. That  _ she _ wasn't enough. Still, her fighting persisted.

Then one day, some day, a random burst of realization came to her: that she was tired. The ghosts of her chains snared around her limbs; liquid but somehow impenetrable like steel.

Lapis Lazulis were so powerful. Commanding the elements, bidding it to do as they commanded, and this one was not unlike the others. Even Quartzes could not fight through the water Lazulis molded as their weapons. Even Jasper could not take down this Lapis, not with the Earth's vast water supply in her arsenal.

Jasper did not stand a chance, and she knew this, being so weak, pathetic, worthless. Ever since arriving on Earth, she had been beaten mercilessly. While she took down the runt with ease, should she return to Homeworld, and should gems across the planet find out about her pitiful defeats against fusions, of all things...

There was no doubt. They'd shatter her the second they saw her deformed body, the ultimate sign of being broken. This accursed Earth destroyed her from the inside out, breaking her into so many pieces. Oh,  _ stars, how she wished she had been in pieces! She'd be better off in pieces! _

She could almost feel liquid chains gripping her arms, her legs, pinning her down. Like the water surrounding her had become her enemy. Her neck felt constricted. Lapis's hands wrapped around it, pulling her deeper into the ocean until Malachite was engulfed in the darkness in the depths of the water.

But she deserved this! She deserved every waking moment of ghost chains still dragging her.

Then why did she feel...  _ terrified _ ?

Jasper rose from the water and crawled out of the pool. She leaned against the edge, hair dripping, and she peered up. Rose Quartz's life-sized stone clone sat calmly just feet away. Burying her face into her hands, tears pricking at the edges of her eyes. She shook her head until her eyes dried.

She glanced down at herself, thinking back to the effects of Rose Quartz's tears, only to find her spirit shattered.

Teal still smeared her skin. The markings laughed at her, telling her that they'll always be there, always. Red anger boiled within her. Why wouldn't they just  _ go away _ ?

She scratched at the marks, fingernails digging into her skin. Her teeth gritted, and thin, faded red lines appeared on the teal skin, yet Jasper kept going, kept scratching, because maybe then all those red scratches could cover up the scars, the scars that not even Rose Quartz's tears could heal. They would always be there, always, reminding her that she failed. She failed everything, her mission, her Diamond, her battles, everything. Jasper,  **you failed, you're a failure. You deserve this, don't you?!**

_ Smack! _

Jasper slammed her fist against the Rose Quartz statue nearest to her, her own eyes shut. The sound echoed violently through the still room. Chills etched up her spine. Her eyes opened.

Not even a dent marked the stone; it was absolutely perfect. Jasper's strength failed her, again and again. Her best was not enough; it never was. Her hands curled, nails drilling into her palms. Eyebrows narrowed, she glowered at the perfect, unbroken statue.

She dove her fists into the stone again, and bellowed into the empty air, agony ripping through her lungs. Then again, again, and again. Pain split through her knuckles with each impact, until her appendages were numb, and then—

_ Crack... _

Rather than see the damage she made, she turned away. Her knuckles bruised. Her hands tightened until her fingers uncurled. The tips of her fingers descended down the cracked stone of Rose and into the water.

Jasper's body shook again with violent vigor, chest heaving as that reddened anger dissipated. Sweat dripped down the back of her neck, matting her already unkempt hair.

In her head, she saw Rose Quartz sitting there, asking if Jasper wanted help and that she really wanted what was best for Jasper. The image changed between the towering, pink haired warrior she faced in the battlefield, and the smaller, brown haired one she was most unfamiliar with.

Neither Quartz had the faintest what Jasper wanted, only thought she did. Every single one of those rebel traitors fell into Rose Quartz's arms, having reached the lowest of the low.

Jasper could not imagine going even lower.

Now all she wanted was Rose Quartz's shards crumbled in her hands.

But the Rose Quartz who she wanted to destroy was gone, replaced by something smaller, with a different look to her eyes. The opportunity was taken from her. With this realization, her entire body froze. She gazed at her teal stained hands.

What was she to do now? Homeworld would destroy her the second she returned in this condition. Nevermind the glory she originally anticipated. Now.. oh, now,  _ she had nothing _ .

All of that was gone.

She was still shaking. More sweat poured down her cheeks and chin, spilling into the teardrop fountain. Her face was warm, her eyes burning, but she refused to accept that she was appearing so open, so vulnerable in front of Rose Quartz's statues.

A new, unnatural sound reached out to her. Jasper did not look up.

Rose's shut eyes burst into tears, and the water flowed into thick rivers down her face and into the fountain. The water overwhelmed the pool and spilled across the rest of the fountain. As the water touched Jasper's feet, she knelt down and tightened her arms around herself.

The water embraced her calves before it stopped. And something fell beside her. Without moving her head too far, Jasper saw them raining down. One brushed over the top of her head.

She crushed the rose into her palm. The broken petals scattered over the water.

More water splashed beside her. Jasper's head tilted, hair falling over most of her face, save for her eyes.

Rose Quartz returned. No, it wasn't  _ her _ Rose Quartz. Not-Rose Quartz was there, eyebrows curved with concern, as if she had a reason to empathize with her. As if this enigma had any reason to care.

Not-Rose Quartz approached her, wrinkles under her eyes. Jasper shifted to angle herself directly toward Rose, eyebrows narrowed. Her fingertips tightened in the water and against the ground.

"I'm not going to hurt you. I don't want to hurt you," this Rose said.

_ I can't say the same _ , Jasper thought bitterly.

Jasper could only wonder how she must've looked to this small not-Rose. Shaking, tears streaming down her face, scars ruining her body. No one should see a Quartz so broken, lest the Quartz be shattered for incompetence—whether abandoned in the midst of battle, or directly by their higher ups.

She did not want to meet Pink Diamond's fate. She worked so hard to bring justice to her Diamond. If it were all in vain...

Her fingers were shaking again.

"Listen..." The smaller being hesitated. She sighed. "We can help you. Me and the Crystal Gems. I know you hate us, but I can't stand to see any gem in such... pain." Her expression shifted into something solemn, thoughtful.

"No." Jasper's lips curled back to reveal sharp, gritted teeth.

Not-Rose let out another tired sigh. "I know what you're dealing with is difficult, but—"

"YOU KNOW NOTHING!" Jasper bellowed inches from her enemy's face, finally looking at her properly. Despite not being her, this Rose's resemblance to her brought a harsh wave of anger through her body. "Nothing of what I've been through. If you think... that I need help from the likes of you, then you're wrong!"

Not-Rose hesitated, eyes drifting aside. "Well... I do know. Kind of."

"How?"

Not-Rose said nothing, but Jasper was no fool. Part of her wanted to deny it, however. Deny that the blurry images of this rose were just visions she conjured on her own accord, even though her mind was a murky ocean for months, so why would she suddenly have visions of who she thought was Rose Quartz? Her spine shuddered.

"You were inside my head," Jasper hissed dangerously.

She did not ask how Rose Quartz accomplished this. The question never came to her. Too much irritation boiled in her body. After all, the defeated look on this Rose's face said it all.

" _How dare you_."

Rose Quartz turned away, features laced with sorrow. "I'm sorry. It's wrong to go into someone's head without asking, b-but I had to!"

"You could've let me suffer back there, for all I care!" Jasper yelled. "Just like you Crystal Gems do best. Creating your own uprising without realizing the consequences of your own cowardice actions, and leave everyone else behind to suffer. Pink Diamond is gone because of your selfish war."

Jasper's head hurt again. She grunted out and dug one clawed hand into her hair. Not Rose's face hardened, and for a minute, Rose said nothing, eyes cold with thought. Jasper looked away.

"The Crystal Gems do the best they can for each other... and for Earth. We love each other and want what's best for one another." Rose Quartz's voice caught in her throat. "But... y-you're right. I should've realized you needed someone who was there for you, but I was... I was wrong.

"I've... learned a lot recently about my mom that..." Rose's gaze met hers, intense and focused. "I think you should know, but only when you're ready."

Jasper didn't understand the smaller Rose Quartz one bit, but said nothing. 

Rose struggled with her next words, exhaling and clutching a tight fist at her side. "And I don't know how to make it up to you. Maybe someday, we can come to understand each other. Until then, I want to help you. Somehow. Like... talk about what you've been through. And then maybe we can work together on putting you in a better place. And if you don't want to deal with me or the Crystal Gems whatsoever after all of that, then we won't bother you. That's a promise."

With the last few sentences, her voice carried an air of authority and strength, a sense of leadership. Jasper could practically imagine  _ her _ Rose Quartz standing over her, bearing a look of sympathy.

Silence ripped through the air. It only lasted for a split second.

"Go away," Jasper threatened in a growl. Her fingers dug into her arms when she wrapped them together. "Leave me alone... and  _ never _ come back."

Rose Quartz's eyes glimmered with oncoming tears. "But Jasper—"

_ "LEAVE!" _ Fire raged in her eyes, her face, her entire being, and she raised a fist, slamming it onto the ground. The ground shook.

Rose Quartz jumped at the screech and the shaking ground. She stared at Jasper for what felt like a long time, even if in reality it was merely a few moments. Shadows sagged under Rose Quartz's eyes.

"Okay," the small being said, backing away a few steps. Water sloshed with each step. "I'll give you your space." Her hesitant expression hardened. "But I'm coming back, because I'm not giving up on you. Even if it takes... months, I'll do what I can for you."

Jasper replied with silence, keeping her back to the enemy. Her large name consumed anything Rose could see of her beyond a glimpse of her scarred arms.

A few splashes echoed from the fountain, then Rose's footsteps wandered. They gradually faded off into nothing.

Jasper did not move, did not even stand up. While her eyes watched over the wallowing crushed petal, she gazed at nothing.

_ "But I'm not giving up on you." _

_ She would be better off. _

A few leftover petals floated around her. She buried her face into her knees and sat in the cold, pink-ish water surrounded by the pink gemstone petals. Though begging to herself not to cry, her body disobeyed her. Her forehead touched her knees as her as her own teardrops fell into the water made of Rose Quartz's tears.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so glad to finally have this done, AND I'll be posting the next chapter of "Fresh Air" hopefully later today!
> 
> There is no happy ending here, sadly. I had some highlights of hope, with Steven's little speech, but there's no way Jasper could heal within 4k words. I will not expand on this, and if I did, it'd be a whole other piece. For now, this is the one shot with all the hurt and very little of the comfort. Because I love Jasper so very much :))))
> 
> Please let me know what you think! Comments mean a lot!


End file.
